Warning: Graphic Language – Reader discretion is advised.
“Winnie The Pooh” was released to DVD & Blu-ray this week. The film, an all-new animated feature length production, was released theatrically back in July, grossing $26 million at the box office.
What the fuck do you want me to say? It’s a kids movie. It’s not just a kids movie, it’s a little kids movie. It’s so incredibly harmless that I would have to be a total cocksucker to say anything bad about it.
I have to admit that it was awful nice to see some good old fashioned hand-drawn animation. The artform is nearly dead in our CGI-dominated world, but every now and then, Disney will throw the artists of the world a financial bone.
Pooh is a bear. He has other animal friends with dumb names. Their friend Eeyore loses his tail, and they go on an adventure to find it. You know the drill.
“Winnie The Pooh” earns my respect not for what it has accomplished on-screen, but rather for what it left out.
Most importantly, the film is completely devoid of big name voice talent. FINALLY we get an animated film without Katy Perry, Jonah Hill, or Will Ferrell voicing the characters. There is an art to voice work, and professionals should be cast in these roles. I don’t want to hear some fucking A-List actor talking in his regular voice. It’s distracting, annoying, and fucking infuriating.
Next, the film does not have a single pop culture reference. Nothing dates a terrible film more than a Paris Hilton joke. Kids don’t understand them, and parents rarely find them funny. They are not necessary, you fucking idiots. Thank you to director Stephen J. Anderson for choosing to keep them out.
This is a genuine kids movie. It’s harmless. Best of all, it’s brief. The runtime just breaks an hour, and the final credits were rolling at the 53 minute mark. That’s the PERFECT amount of time to distract a snot-nosed little fuck…because, let’s face it, they aren’t sitting all the way through a 90-minute film anyways.
I did not like “Winnie The Pooh”, but I kind of admire it. And, yes, I did actually watch it…alone, sitting in the dark, while sipping scotch and looking at naked women through the Twitter app on my Droid.