“Water for Elephants” was released to DVD & Blu-ray this week. The film, based on a best-selling novel, received a theatrical release back in April, grossing a whopping $117 million at the box office.
My wife went and saw this in the theaters. For some reason, she thought that was a good idea. She even gave it a positive review, telling me that “it was pretty good”.
I finally got the chance to watch “Water for Elephants” last night, and I’ve been on the phone with my divorce attorney ever since. If the woman I married is interested in this dreck, then we have irreconcilable differences and continuing this union any further will be fruitless.
“Water for Elephants” is about a dude who joins the circus. His parents are killed in a car wreck, so it makes perfect sense to drop everything and join a traveling band of misfits. Yeah, I know that I’m almost done with my Ivy league education, but since my funding has run out, I’m going to pursue a profitable career shoveling elephant dung. Smart.
Jacob (Pattinson), though a chance encounter, ends up in the circus working with the animals. August, a smart businessman and charming fellow, is the owner of the show, and also the husband of it’s star performer (horse-lady Reese Witherspoon). Quickly, Jacob starts sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong, meddling in their relationship, and creating an adulterous relationship with August’s lying, cheating wife. This is supposed to be romantic?
Sure, on rare occasion, August likes to be forceful with his wife. Maybe sometimes he wraps his hands around her neck. But, seriously, how else are you supposed to show her who is in charge? This bitch is flat-out not behaving properly, and she must be disciplined. If she continues to embarrass him in front of his employees, she will have to be corrected.
As you might have guessed, Robert Pattinson is bad. He’s only here because he’s a (alleged) draw with the teen female demographic. If I was the casting director for this film, Pattinson would’ve been my 834th choice for the lead role.
Here’s a small sampling of the bottom of my casting list, in numerical order:
- 831. Pauly Shore
- 832. Paul Reubens
- 833. Carrot Top
- 834. Robert Pattinson
Yes, he’s that bad.
The film opens with an old man standing in the parking lot of a circus. Assuming he’s lost, an employee brings him inside, only to soon discover that the old man is a former circus performer. Upon learning that the geriatric was present for the Benzini Brothers disaster of 1931, he asks for the story. What a fucking mistake. The old man starts babbling about a long lost love for nearly 120 minutes. THAT’S NOT WHAT I ASKED ASSHOLE! TELL ME ABOUT THE FUCKING DISASTER ALREADY. It’s the same plot device they used in “Titanic”, but it’s way less interesting.
In all fairness, this is not the worst film I’ve ever seen. It’s just not something that interests me, or anyone else with a penis. It’s a contrived love story that never gets off the ground, and with two leads that lack any chemistry whatsoever. Sure, everyone loves the circus, but I would’ve rather seen two hours of animal stunts than this sappy nonsense.
Oh, and by the way…sorry, Twi-hards, but when Robert Pattinson grows up, he ends up looking like Hal Holbrook. Maybe it’s time to find a new dude to masturbate over.