Listen, I watch a lot of movies. And it’s no secret that I hate almost all of them. But, for as little as my opinion might matter, it can not be argued that I know a lot about bad movies.
In all seriousness, this might be the worst film I’ve ever seen.
“Trespass” was released to DVD & Blu-ray last week. The latest piece from director Joel Schumacher, it saw a limited theatrical release just last month. The film lasted a mere 10 days in theaters, grossing a slightly disappointing $25,000. That’s not exactly what the studio had in mind, I presume, when they spent $35 MILLION DOLLARS to make this thing.
Nicolas Cage and Nicole Kidman are married. Right there, something is wrong with this film. He’s a strange, nerdy diamond dealer, and she’s the neglected housewife. They also have a teenage daughter (Liana Liberato, last seen on film getting molested in “Trust”) who thinks they are dumb.
Out of nowhere, masked assailants break into their home and demand cash and jewels. They know that Cage is a diamond dealer, and they want his stash. Do they make it through this alive? Do the bad guys prevail and get what they came for? Who fucking cares.
“Trespass” is broken on about 100 different levels. For starters, the casting is just plain terrible. Everyone knows that Nic Cage sucks when he plays a normal person. If he’s not on drugs, he’s not interesting. Why the fuck they would cast him in the father role and have him play it straight is beyond me.
Side note: Allegedly, in the middle of filming, Cage demanded to switch roles and become a “bad guy”. Someone should have listened to him, because he must’ve seen this disaster coming from a mile away.
The biggest flaw with “Trespass”, though, is that the villains are completely retarded. There is nothing tense or dramatic about the invasion, and that’s because these guys are a fucking joke. Stop with the idle threats and kill someone already.
I rolled my eyes 83 times while watching “Trespass”. It is poorly written, and awkwardly executed. It’s so outrageous and unbelievable that I could not stop laughing all throughout it’s (thankfully brief) 85 minute runtime.
If you wan’t to watch Nicolas Cage work magic, rent “Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call: New Orleans”. If you want to watch uncomfortable, horrendous cinema, rent “Trespass”.