Updated: 6/7/11 (Released to DVD)
Originally Posted: 3/5/11
Has a film ever made you want to stab out your eyes with the straw of your $7 extra-large diet fountain soda?
In theaters this week is “Just Go With It”, a romantic comedy starring Adam Sandler. Last night, I made the tremendous mistake of walking into a movie theater that was screening this piece of shit. Had I walked into a brick wall instead of this theater, I would’ve had a more enjoyable experience.
There was a point in his career where Adam Sandler was funny. Though I can’t remember specifics, I know for sure that it wasn’t anytime in the last decade. In “Just Go With It”, he’s paired up with Jennifer Aniston, the undisputed queen of the horrendous romantic comedy genre. Could the two of them together produce some Hollywood magic?
The answer is a resounding “NO”. Last night, I sat alone in the front of the theater with a hood pulled over my head (in hopes of protecting my anonymity). I nervously shifted in my seat as one unfunny gag after another flew by on-screen. I looked at my watch every few minutes, trying to calculate how far into this 110 minute abortion we were. With each glance, I was surprised with how slowly time was passing, as I continued to contemplate my escape. The ONLY thing that prevented me from walking out of this trainwreck was the $9 popcorn planted firmly in my lap.
Here we go:
Adam Sandler is a successful plastic surgeon. For some ridiculous reason, he wears a wedding ring out in public because it helps him get women. He meets a blonde who’s WAY out of his league at a party. She’s 23, and he’s 40-something. She is instantly charmed by him. They go for a walk on the beach, have sex with eachother, and then sleep on a blanket. How romantic. What a natural start to this romance! Isn’t that how life always works? I can identify with this SO MUCH!
In the morning, he sends her into his pockets to find a business card (with his phone number on it), and she finds the wedding ring. She gets pissed and storms off. At least, I THINK she gets pissed…the horrendous acting got in the way of the emotion she was trying to convey. That’s my inference into the situation. She’s mad. Ok, got it.
Well, instead of telling the truth, and trying to carry on a relationship, Sandler decides to LIE, LIE, and LIE SOME MORE. The lies are preposterous, but of course this dumb bitch believes them. He says he’s married, but getting a divorce. The hot blonde does what any other 23 year old woman would do, and ASKS TO MEET HIS WIFE TO MAKE SURE IT’S OK THAT THEY DATE.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!
Jennifer Aniston, Sandler’s assistant at the office, agrees to pretend she’s his wife. The threesome meet, and things go fantastic. At the end of the meeting, Aniston fields a phone call regarding her kids. Now the dumb blonde thinks Sandler has kids. Again, like any hot 23 year old, she thinks this is a great thing, and she really wants to meet them.
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!?!?????????
So, now Sandler “hires” Aniston’s kids as his own. Then, we are treated to more ridiculous meetings between the “fake” family and the hot blonde.
I am going to spare you the rest of the details. To describe the plot of this shit-show in any more detail would be a disservice to my readers.
You might notice that I’ve omitted the names of the characters, instead referring to them by the actor who portrays them. This is for two reasons:
# 1 – I am not going to waste one more second thinking about this piece of shit, and to research their names for my review would be far too much effort.
# 2 – I want each and every actor associated with this film to be called out for participating in this disaster.
All of this nonsense leads to a marriage proposal. The hot blonde (did I mention she’s 23 years old?) is ready to commit to marriage mere days after meeting a man twice her age (who already has two children and isn’t yet legally divorced). That’s reality for you.
I might be able to look past the implausibilities of the script if any of this was funny. IT’S NOT! IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE! I sat in a theater full of people, and the amount of laughter could only be described as “a spattering”. A giggle here and there. See?! Even the brainless idiots around me were smart enough to not laugh at this awfulness.
The biggest laugh during my screening involved the guy from Dave Matthews Band sticking something up his ass. If that isn’t a telling sign, I don’t know what is.
“Just Go With It” is absolutely dreadful. It is one of the worst films I’ve ever seen.
Fuck you, Adam Sandler. Fuck you, Jennifer Aniston. Fuck you, Brooklyn Decker (please?). Fuck you, Nick Swardson. Fuck you, Nicole Kidman. Fuck you, Dave Matthews’ Band. Fuck everyone associated with this film, right down to the whore who tore my ticket as I entered the lobby. She should’ve stopped me from entering this terrorist attack on my sense of humor, and she did not. I’ve got no one to blame but everyone else except myself.
Fuck you, “Just Go With It”. Fuck you.
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